Waiting For What's Next.
When I first became single I had this unrealistic expectation that I would find Mr. Right, right away, (Mr. Right Away). I thought about how I would have this amazing story I could tell about how even though I got rejected and abandoned, my knight and shining swooped in and saved me. Well life does't work like that now does it? Life just isn't a Disney fairy-tale.
Fast-forward 4 & 1/2 years later, I can count the amount of dates I've been on, on one hand, I mean who has time for that between working full time and trying to somehow find balance being a mom and homemaker. I want so badly to have a partner beside me, to be that role model my son so desperately needs and show my daughter what a Godly man is. My kids deserve that, they deserve a man who is led by God to lead our family but that is just not always the reality of things. I have kept this false hope for the last 4 years, until recently, I realized I had been basing my life completely around just waiting for the next season in my life, waiting for a man. Sure, finding someone and getting married is still on my mind but I knew I had to snap out of only waiting for what's next all of the time.
My life had become this journey of monotony; go to work, come home, cook dinner, put the kids to bed, have an hour to myself, go to bed and start all over. My purpose had become completely skewed, if I had any at all. I was just doing what it took to get by for the day and hoping and praying for this season in my life to end. I was tired. I was burnt out. I was miserable. I even hated to be around me. Everything I did was done waiting for this unknown future where I was no longer this exhausted single parent. Which don't get me wrong there is absolutely nothing wrong with thinking about the future or hoping for the future but if that is all we base our lives on, we are going to be completely miserable. I know, because I was.
What God revealed to me is that I have entered this space that not everyone will enter into. I am in this space where I get to experience this empathy that I had not been able to experience 4 years ago. This space where I have experienced loss, abandonment, heartbreak, loneliness, depression, this space where not all people can understand or completely empathize with. I have been living this season in my life completely in vain.
But this pain that I have been through and still go through is not just for me to move on past and forget about. This pain is meant to be given to God to be refined and polished and passed on to the next broken heart moving through this same space.
Whether I like it or not, this is the space in which I reside in right now, and like it or not my absolute brokenness is what God will use to bring glory more than any picture I have of the 'perfect' life I had been dreaming of.
Now don't get me wrong I absolutely believe that a complete family unit is what God desires for us and what is best for raising children but I can not force what is not. I have to live in this space the best that I know how. My God will redeem what my children lack during this time and they will also be able to enter into a space that others may not be able to later on in their own lives.
Wherever we happen to be in our lives, God can use us, and i refuse to live in this space given me in vain. What am I doing here then? I know that I may not always be the best at living here in this season of my life, I mean physical and mental exhaustion is real but I hope that I remember that I am here for a reason and a purpose, a purpose that brings glory to God and instead of saying "this too shall pass", I will say, "God use me right here, right now."
